Ready for more?
We’re examining patriarchal myths re sex and sexuality. We already tackled three of the myths:
- The egg cell passively accepts whichever sperm reaches it first.
- The hymen is broken when a girl loses her virginity.
- Men have higher sex drives than women.
Ready for #4?
True or false: Spontaneous arousal (taking the lead) is healthier than contextual arousal (following along).
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Answer: false!
Both men and women experience spontaneous desire and contextual desire. One is not better or healthier than another.
We already went over why, in general, men have less sensitive brakes and more sexual liberties than women when explaining myth #3. Those with less sensitive brakes and unhindered accelerators tend towards spontaneous arousal. Which means, men tend to experience more spontaneous arousal than women.
When we have male doctors and male researchers, largely due to the repression and exclusion of women from those fields, they self-reference. The male experience becomes the norm.
Rather than seeing contextual desire as simply different, or as a product of culture, contextual desire is discounted as not normal, abnormal, inferior, less healthy.
Rather than having a different kind of desire, women are often labeled as lacking desire, because she’s not initiating sex, like he does. That doesn’t mean she has no desire for sex.
A person, of any gender, who tends not to initiate sex usually isn’t asexual and lacking desire. They might simply lean towards contextual desire. Or maybe they could focus on revving up their accelerator or taking off the brakes.
Either way, there’s nothing unhealthy about not feeling spontaneous desire. In fact, berating oneself or feeling pressure or wondering if there’s something wrong adds on stress – another brake!
Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. If you’d rather be wooed than initiate, that’s perfectly ok. (Not to mention quite natural, ladies – in most species, the males woo the females.)
When you read this, what changes inside you?
Look for myth #5 in your inbox soon!
In support of you,
Anya
P.S. Happy fall! School has started for many, and parent groups everywhere are planning their events for the year. I’ve got a bunch of presentations lined up already, and if you’d like me to present for your community, I’d be delighted! Click here.
