Mantras are the positive self-talk which makes a difference. Mantras remind us of the less obvious, less intuitive ideas which we need to be reminded of over and over again. Here’s one for today (and everyday):
The people who have the power have to feel the pain.
That’s true for changing your personal habits. Until your health suffers, you probably won’t give up gluten or caffeine, dairy or sugar. You have the power. Without pain, you might not start that new exercise regimen. But as soon as those pesky symptoms turn into a diagnosis or warning from your doctor, you’re feeling the pain. Now you’re motivated.
It’s true for your family. Think about who has the power. Can you get their attention and empathy? If so, you can share your pain. If they can feel it, especially if they can see how your solution will help them as well, you can create change.
It’s true for your team at work. It’s true for saving the planet. Memorize this one. Say it again and again.
The people who have the power have to feel the pain.
If you’ve been trying to communicate and establish healthier boundaries in your family, or to teach your kids how to do that, this mantra is one part.
If you’re uncomfortable with how things have been going, you’ll have to communicate that to the other person, the person whose behavior needs to shift. Simply saying, “stop that!” or “do this instead!” probably hasn’t worked.
Who has power? You and the other person. Who has the pain? Let’s say, for now, it’s you.
The first step is for you to acknowledge your own pain. It’s ok if it’s tolerable. You don’t have to be breaking down to have valid pain. Your discomfort is enough. The life I want you to build for yourself is Great, not Tolerable.
If you can’t look at your own pain in this situation, what happens? You have no reason to speak up or do anything about it. You make excuses and count your blessings and make do with Tolerable.
Now that you’re looking at it, now that you’re feeling it, you have to communicate it. That communication is tricky! It can’t be done in a way that makes the other person defensive. It can’t be so soft as to be negligible. It has to be kind and assertive and honest and vulnerable. The other person has to feel your pain.
If you try, and they can’t feel your pain, or they ignore it, that’s a whole new level. Now let’s have a conversation about that. Maybe you could learn to communicate better, because you always have the power to change you. But if that’s not it, if you’re communicating well and it’s having no impact, you might not be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who ignores your pain.
There’s a lot more than this one piece to creating relationships with healthy boundaries and teaching your kids how to do that. That’s why I gathered everything I’ve got into one program, the Boundaries and Consent Bootcamp. The course runs November 2019 – January 2020. Here’s what’s included:
- 6 modules to walk you through skill building healthy boundaries
- module transcripts to help you review the material and share it with your family
- handouts on action steps so you can implement the content easily
- Q&A calls to support your understanding and application to your unique family
- A private online discussion group where you can post questions, challenges, and triumphs, where the community and I can support you all along the journey
This week, participants are making their way through module one, introducing themselves in the online forum, voting on when Q&A calls should be. We’ve only just started, and it’s not too late for you to join us!
I hope this mantra alone is enough to help you step into your power. If you want more, consider joining the Boundaries and Consent Bootcamp.
In support of you,
Anya
P.S: Have a question? Not sure if the boot camp is a fit? Jump on my calendar for a quick chat or comment below.
