By the time our kids are teens, they’ve learned what sex is and they’ve absorbed the myth that everyone is having sex, and having great sex, too.
Teens think of sex like they think of skateboarding: if my feet are on the skateboard, I’m doing it! I’m skateboarding! If hands, mouths, and genitals touch, I’m doing it! I’m having sex! I’m “normal,” keeping up with everyone else (but it doesn’t feel so good – what’s wrong with me?).
When they’re not feeling it, many teens go for more. Get more aggressive, try more things, try them more like the porn videos. Study up – watch more porn to figure out what else they should be doing.
They don’t understand they’ve got it bass-ackwards.
Instead of creating a great relationship with their partner, an undercurrent of desire and sexual tension, exploration and fun…they’re doing all the sex acts and wondering if they’re doing it right, with someone they may not know very well at all.
Help your teen solve this mystery: it’s not about the doing. It’s about the feeling. They think the doing comes first, that if they do it right, they and their partner will orgasm. They’re so focused on what they’re doing, and how they look as they do it, that they’re failing to connect with their partner or even really enjoy themselves.
Yes, we have to talk about sex, and we also need to teach them about intimacy. Teens need to know that THEIR BRAINS are the most important sex organ, far more sensitive than their private parts. Feeling safe and loved and connected is wayyyy more important that what they are doing – for both guys and gals.
So what are the intimate skills? Building trust. Savoring the tension. Prioritizing connection and checking in when connection is lost. Sweet nothings: a flower or note taped to a locker, a silly little nickname, a signature gesture.
Do tell your teen that porn is false and unreal. Don’t stop there. Also help them understand what IS real, what really does lead to intimacy and make sexual exploration pleasurable.
And then, help them with what to say and do when their partner gets focused on the act instead of their romance.
Can you see how a teen who really understands this will have high expectations and will wait for the right circumstances? Does it make sense why educating them actually leads to delayed sexual exploration and better experiences?
The sex-ed we’re doing is totally necessary, but it’s missing this piece. Your kids are trying so hard to be grown up. Unfortunately, they’re efforts are pointed in the wrong direction.
If you have a teen, but you’re not having conversations like this one, let’s get you there. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar so we can strategize around how to open up the communication between you and your kids and how to get to critical conversations like this one. You know what they’re up against if we don’t…
In support of you,
Wow this is just so real and raw and I’m in anticipation of the conversation with my almost 15-year-old daughter
Thanks Anya for your great guidance and the focused work you are doing to help people hold a space for what is true and real and meaningful in the midst of this crazy and misguided culture