Clean-ish Dirty Jokes


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, stretches and yawns “mmmmm That was incredible!”.

The egg crosses it’s arms, gets really angry and whispers, “Well, I guess we’ve answered that question.”



A penguin is out for a drive when he gets a hole in his tire. Luckily there’s a garage just up ahead. He takes the car in, and waddles next door where there happens to be an ice cream parlor. The penguin gets a cone of vanilla ice cream, enjoys it, then waddles back to the garage. He finds the attendant, a polar bear, to ask about the status of his tire.  The polar bear says, “Well, it looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin waves his flippers around and says, “No, it’s just ice cream, I swear!”



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the >birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you’re a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”



Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
a cucumber



What is long, hard, and full of seamen?

A submarine.



Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh



What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

“Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.”



Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets. The younger says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The older one replies, “It’s the cobblestones.”



How does a woman hold her liquor? By the ears!



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m just tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”



Three old ladies are sitting at a bus stop smoking.

It begins to rain and two of the ladies pull out condoms and a pair of scissors, cutting off the edges to fashion raincoats for their cigarettes and continue smoking.

The third little lady is amazed by this new invention and inquires as to where she can buy these little raincoats. The other two point her to the pharmacy. She asks what they are called and the two reply “Condoms.”

She gets up and goes into the pharmacy and is greeted by a young pharmacist.

“How can I help you madam?” he asks. “Yes, I’m looking for some condoms.” she replies.

The young pharmacist is taken aback for a second due to her age, but quickly composes himself and asks again “Which size would you like madam?”

The old lady thinks for a moment and says “Hmmm… one that would fit a Camel.”



why capital letters matter:

“I helped my uncle Jack off a horse.”

“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”